BIFF for Coparent Communication: A Book Recommendation
Although many parents are able to communicate productively regarding their children during and after their divorce, many parents also struggle with healthy communication at some point in their co-parenting journey. During periods of intense emotionality, it can be useful to have a specific communication framework to help you regain a sense of control and peace for your own sake and for the kids. BIFF for Coparent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Coparent Texts, Emails and Social Media Posts is a simple, practical and effective guide to implementing the tried-and-true BIFF technique to coparenting communication.
What is BIFF? The BIFF method of communication provides a strategy for responding to hostile or otherwise difficult messages from your child’s other parent. It's designed to de-escalate conflicts, especially with high-conflict individuals, by focusing on facts, avoiding emotions, setting boundaries, and disengaging from arguments, thereby protecting your reputation and calming the situation.
BIFF stands for:
B: Brief
I: Information
F: Friendly
F: Firm
The strategy encourages you to step back from the inflammatory communication that you’ve received, and take some time to process what’s been said and what you want to achieve with your response. In order to have the desired effect (presumably to de-escalate the brewing conflict), you need to restrain yourself from firing back with blaming, defensive, or over-explanatory communication which would invite a similar response, thus continuing the cycle of ineffective communication. BIFF communication is intended to be respectful towards the other person while maintaining your own dignity. Think of it as taking the high road - but with boundaries! It can also in some cases influence the other parent over time to communicate more productively with you.
The book takes you through an analysis what whether a response is required, what type of response you should be considering, what to include and what to avoid in your message, how to structure your message, and how to review your message to ensure that it is suitable with respect to your goal for the communication. It guides the reader through several different coparenting topics, including routine coparenting details, education, healthcare, activities, finances, changes to plans and schedules, and social media. It is also a workbook with space to practice drafting responses to sample challenging communications.
This strategy can be effective both during and after the separation process.
Why Christina Recommends This Book
In my experience as a family mediator, co-parenting communication is one of the most common sources of ongoing conflict after separation, and one of the most damaging to children when it goes wrong. What I appreciate about this book is that it gives parents a concrete, practical tool they can use immediately, without needing to wait for therapy or coaching to kick in. The BIFF framework is simple enough to remember in a stressful moment but sophisticated enough to genuinely change the dynamic over time. I recommend it particularly to clients who are dealing with a difficult or high-conflict co-parent, and to anyone who finds themselves dreading the ping of an incoming message from their ex. If you have children and you're going through a separation, this book is worth your time.
See also Christina Vinters’ interview with Bill Eddy on the Divorce Well Podcast.
About the Authors
Bill Eddy is an esteemed lawyer, family mediator, licensed clinical social worker, the co-founder and Director of Innovation of High Conflict Institute, and the pioneering mind behind High Conflict Personality (HCP) Theory, a transformational framework that has reshaped how professionals worldwide understand and manage high-conflict behavior. With a rare and powerful combination of legal, clinical, and mediation expertise, Bill is one of the most widely recognized authorities on high-conflict personalities and disputes.
Annette Burns is an attorney and a certified Family Law Specialist. She is a past president of the international interdisciplinary organization the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC), www.afccnet.org, a nonprofit organization of over 5000 international family law related professionals.
Kevin Chafin is a mediator and Licensed Professional Counselor. He is the current president of the board of the Missouri Chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (MO – AFCC.) He has more than 30 years' experience with family and domestic court systems.
