Reducing the Trauma of Separation
Updated on March 21, 2026.
My article "Reducing the Trauma of Separation" was originally published in the Spring 2016 issue Okanagan Health & Wellness Magazine. All of the tips and information remain relevant for couples separating in British Columbia today.
It's a quick read to help separating couples frame their goals and choose the best strategies for achieving those goals - in most cases the best strategies will focus on de-escalation of conflict and consensual dispute resolution, including collaborative law and family mediation, also known as divorce mediation.
When I told my son that I was going to write an article for Okanagan Health & Wellness Magazine, he seemed surprised and asked me tongue-in-cheek whether I would recommend that people should eat healthy food to avoid getting divorced. I wish there were such an easy recipe for marital bliss!
The silver lining though is that there is an attainable path to reducing the trauma of your separation: choose to handle your separation as a life transition and not as a battle.
We live in an era of regular separation of common law couples and divorce of married couples. It is estimated that approximately 40% of marriages in Canada end in divorce (approximately 70,000 per year). This does not include the breakdown of common law relationships so the actual percentage and number of families experiencing separation is even higher. In fact, many people now have two or three significant committed relationships over their lifetime which means that many go through a separation more than once.
Divorce is often referred to as the second most traumatic event in a person’s life, following only behind the death of a close family member. Given the large numbers of people who experience at least one separation, it is worth considering which aspects lead to trauma and what steps can be taken to reduce the traumatic nature of separation for you and your family.
How High Conflict Separation Affects Children
Studies have shown that high conflict between parents during and after separation can be traumatic for children and can result in poorer developmental and behavioural outcomes for them. Some of the concerning effects on the child of a high conflict separation may include: failing to learn how to deal with conflict in a healthy way; learning to lie to please people they love; experiencing impaired relationships with peers; depression; anxiety; and developing negative attention-seeking behaviours. The stress on a child experiencing conflict between parents on an ongoing basis can cause the overstimulation of the child’s ‘fight or flight’ response (resulting in an increased heart rate and the release of cortisol and adrenalin). Such childhood trauma can actually cause long-term physiological changes, leading to varied problems later in life.
The Problem with the Adversarial Legal Process
And yet, what is the standard procedure for divorce?
In Canada (with the exception of Quebec), we have an adversarial legal process. This process is well-suited for bringing transparency and justice to many types of cases. For example, in cases like an injured person suing another driver after a car accident or a company suing another company for a trademark infringement, none of the parties will have to cooperate or even see each other after the courtroom drama has finished.
In contrast, many separating couples will have to continue to cooperate over financial and parenting matters, and perhaps see each other occasionally for the rest of their lives. Nevertheless, the adversarial process pits separating couples against one another as “opposing parties”, often spiralling into such negativity and personal attacks that it makes any future cooperation a virtual impossibility. The process is frequently time-consuming, expensive, traumatic for the participants and their children, and destructive to family relationships.
How to Reduce the Trauma of Separation
So if the standard procedure is undesirable, what can you do to reduce the trauma of separation? You and your partner have the ability to shift your mindset from divorce as a battle at the cost of your family to divorce as a respectful re-structuring for the benefit of your family. De-escalating conflict must be the priority in order to try to do no harm to yourself, your partner, or your children. Research indicates that children cope with separation better when there is: insulation of the children from conflict; good, authoritative parenting; consistent, quality contact with both parents; cooperative co-parenting; and support from family, friends and community.
Family Mediation and Collaborative Law are two processes that emphasize the de-escalation of conflict, the children’s best interests, good faith negotiations, mutually beneficial outcomes, and efficiency. I believe that, in most situations, choosing to handle your family issues through either of these processes will maximize the chances of long-term positive outcomes for you and your family.
Family Mediation
Family Mediation is a highly effective process. You and your partner meet with a neutral professional (a mediator) who will provide legal information regarding your family issues and will facilitate discussions regarding potential resolutions. You may attend mediation with or without lawyers and you are entitled to get legal advice at any point before and during mediation, and before you sign your Separation Agreement. Mediation can be completed over one long session or several short sessions. Do some research and make sure to choose a mediator with extensive family law knowledge and experience.
Collaborative Law
Collaborative Law is a good option for more complicated situations. Each party hires a lawyer trained in collaborative dispute resolution. The process is cooperative, respectful, and team-based (as opposed to adversarial). Everyone works together towards a mutually beneficial resolution. One of the fundamental components of the process is that everyone, including the lawyers, agrees in writing not to involve or threaten to involve the court. Neutral experts are hired as needed to help guide appropriate solutions, for example, accountants, child specialists, or divorce coaches.
When Litigation May Be Necessary
It is important to note that litigation has its place in family law and may be necessary in cases where one person is a bully, an abuser, and/or has a serious personality disorder, mental health issue or substance use problem that prevents him or her from being rational and responsible. If you are dealing with such a person, you may need the power of the court in order to resolve your family issues fairly. This, of course, includes concerns related to the safety of children. In such cases, you will want to retain a top notch family law litigator.
In most other cases, the statistically predictable restructuring of families through separation shouldn’t be managed in ways that routinely traumatize both parents and children. If you are facing a separation, get more information about your options and choose your dispute resolution process deliberately based on your goals. It is likely that the standard procedure is not the best choice for you and your family.
Ready for some personal assistance?
For more information about family law mediation or to book an appointment, call 778-475-8002.
Still not quite sure which way to resolve your family issues?
Check out my complimentary e-book Pathways to Amicable Divorce: Directions for the Beginning of Separation. It will give you an excellent foundation for making your initial decisions as well as considerations to keep top of mind as your proceed through the separation process. It’s full of valuable information, tips, actionable strategies, and dozens of free online resources for additional learning.
All the best to you,
Christina Vinters