Rethinking Divorce: Why Cultural Assumptions May Be Leading You Astray
We have a lot of assumptions embedded in our culture about what divorce looks like, and most of them are not helpful. When you are in the middle of a separation, it can be genuinely difficult to recognize that you are operating from assumptions rather than facts. But taking a step back to examine those assumptions can open up possibilities that might otherwise seem out of reach.
In Zen Buddhism, there is a concept called "shoshin," meaning "beginner's mind," which refers to approaching a subject with openness and without preconceptions. Stripping away assumptions about what is required, what is limited, and what the necessary consequences must be can lead to surprisingly different outcomes.
In the realm of divorce, North American popular culture has built up a powerful and persistent narrative: the bitter ex, the courtroom battle, the financial devastation, the collateral damage to children. When people are experiencing the breakdown of their primary relationship, they are already in a vulnerable state, drained by fear, grief, anger, and anxiety. In that state, it is very hard to recognize these cultural stories for what they are, assumptions rather than inevitabilities, and even harder to push back against them.
But they are assumptions. A very large percentage of people experience separation or divorce at some point in their lives. Most of them do not need a courtroom. Most of them are capable of reaching a fair agreement with the right support. Most of them can come through the process with their finances intact, their relationships with their children protected, and their dignity preserved.
That is exactly what mediation makes possible. Rather than positioning you and your spouse as adversaries with competing legal teams, mediation invites you to approach your separation as a problem to solve together, with the help of a neutral family law professional. It requires a beginner's mind: a willingness to set aside the adversarial script and ask what a good outcome actually looks like for your family.
If you are at the beginning of your separation and finding the cultural noise around divorce overwhelming, our complimentary book Pathways to Amicable Divorce: Directions for the Beginning of Separation is a good place to start. It is available for free download at modernseparations.com/pathways
Authored by Christina Vinters, J.D., C.Med.
Christina Vinters is a Family Lawyer and Family Law Mediator, Author of Pathways to Amicable Divorce: Directions for the Beginning of Separation, Host of the limited series Divorce Well Podcast, Founder of Modern Separations, and Creator of the Model of Flat Fee Mediation for Separation Agreements in British Columbia. She is a member of the Law Society of British Columbia, Alternative Dispute Resolution Institute of Canada, and MediateBC.